You ask them to put their shoes on.
Nothing.
You ask again. Still nothing.
By the fourth time, your voice has gone up several octaves and you're standing in the hallway wondering why something as simple as putting on a pair of shoes requires this much effort.
We've all been there.
And yes, sometimes kids don't listen. Sometimes they're distracted, sometimes they don't want to do what we've asked and sometimes they're hoping that if they ignore us for long enough, we'll forget we asked.
But there's also something we can change at our end.
How we give the instruction in the first place.
Don't ask when you mean tell
This is such a small shift, but it's a good one.
“Can you put your shoes on?”
“Could you pack your bag?”
“Do you want to hop in the shower?”
They're all questions.
And then we're somehow surprised when a child says, “No.”
If something isn't optional, don't make it sound optional.
“Shoes on, please.”
“Pack your bag, please.”
“It's shower time.”
This isn't about barking orders at our kids. It's about being clear. There are plenty of things children get to have a say in, and I think they should. But there are also plenty of everyday things where we're the parent and the decision has already been made.
You don't need to pretend it's a democracy when it isn't.
Make sure they actually heard you
This is an easy trap to fall into.
You're in the kitchen getting lunches sorted. Your child is in another room playing Lego.
“Shoes on, please!”
Nothing.
“SHOES!”
Still nothing.
By the third attempt you're annoyed because they've ignored you three times.
Except there's a decent chance they haven't.
Kids can become completely absorbed in what they're doing. This is a beautiful trait of children, in fact, the ability to become completely absorbed in the present moment. Add siblings, noise, music, a screen or another room, and the instruction we think we've clearly delivered may barely have registered.
For the things that matter, go to them. Say their name. Touch their arm. Get their attention. Then tell them what you need.
You don't need to demand eye contact, but you do need some indication that the message has actually landed before deciding they've ignored it.
Say less
This one is hard when we're already annoyed.
“I've asked you three times and we're going to be late and you knew we were leaving at eight and I don't understand why you haven't even started getting ready…”
At this point, they're mostly hearing noise.
“Shoes on, please. We're leaving in five.”
Done.
We don't have to explain every instruction. Sometimes our kids simply need to know what needs to happen next.
The more frustrated we become, the more words we tend to add. Usually, that's the exact moment we need fewer.
You don't need to yell to show that you mean it
One of the most useful things I've learned, both as a parent and from years of working with children, is that calm can carry a lot of authority.
When I need my kids to know something isn't up for debate, my voice changes slightly. It's lower, neutral and matter-of-fact. My face changes too. I'm not smiling or turning it into a joke, but I'm not angry either.
I'm simply clear.
Once they've got the message, I'm straight back to normal.
Children are incredibly good at reading us. They know when we're joking. They know when we're unsure. And they very quickly learn whether our first instruction actually means anything.
If we ask nicely four times and then yell on the fifth, we can accidentally teach them that they don't really need to act until Mum or Dad reaches level five.
Then we wonder why they never listen the first time.
They don't have to be happy about it
This matters.
Your child can be annoyed that it's time to leave the playground. They can think putting away their washing is completely unreasonable. They can be deeply disappointed that you've turned off the TV right before the apparently most important moment in television history.
They're allowed to feel that way.
We don't need to convince our kids that every decision we make is wonderful before they follow it.
“I know you want to stay. It's time to go.”
That's enough.
You can understand the feeling without changing the boundary.
Warmth and leadership aren't opposites. In fact, I think kids need plenty of both.
And sometimes they genuinely need some help
Of course, not every child who doesn't respond is deliberately ignoring us.
Sometimes they're exhausted. Sometimes they're completely absorbed in what they're doing. Sometimes we've just fired six instructions at them while they're trying to find their school bag. Sometimes they're overwhelmed, hungry or finding it genuinely difficult to transition from one thing to another.
Understanding that doesn't mean removing the expectation.
It helps us work out what support they need to meet it.
Maybe they need one instruction instead of five. Maybe they need a warning before a transition. Maybe they need you to help them get started. Maybe today is simply a day when they need a little more from you.
And sometimes they just need you to calmly say, “Shoes on, please,” and mean it.
Try it today
Next time you need your child to do something, pay attention to what happens at your end first.
Go to them. Get their attention. Tell them clearly what you need them to do. Keep your voice calm and confident. Then give them a moment to actually do it before adding another seventeen words.
You don't need to yell.
You don't need to be scary.
And you don't need to turn every everyday instruction into a negotiation.
Our kids need us to listen to them, understand them and treat them with respect.
They also need us to be comfortable being the parent.
Connection comes first
Of course, how we give instructions is only part of the picture. At the heart of children wanting to listen to us is the relationship we build with them. Connection doesn't mean they'll suddenly love putting their shoes on, but a strong relationship makes all those everyday moments of parenting easier.
That's exactly why I created My Amazing Brain. It's filled with 84 simple, screen-free activities that make it easy to spend time together, connect, laugh, move, create and learn about their amazing brain along the way.
Writtne by Victoria Jenkins is the founder of Brain Essentials, a primary school teacher, author, mum of two who is based in Queenstown, New Zealand. With more than 20 years working with children, she created Brain Essentials to make the science of children's brains, behaviour and development practical for everyday family life. She's passionate about helping parents understand their kids, focus on what matters and raise confident, capable humans.